


A Wolf On The Radio

by WaggishCape



Series: Dissonance [2]
Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: AJ Is Not Okay, Awkward Romance, Bittersweet, Childhood Memories, Date Night, Dealing With Real Shit Now, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Feels, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insomnia, Near Future, Not So Light-Hearted Anymore, Recovered Memories, References to Depression, Role Reversal, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Relationships, Work In Progress, somber
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 17:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16917444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaggishCape/pseuds/WaggishCape
Summary: I͍͇'̷͇̮̙͔͉̞m̞̺̲̗ ̷͈̮͈w̝̤a̫͚̤͝r̦̞̪̲̞n̬̗̪̩̳̮̮i̯̼̯̱̥͙͚n̪g͠ ̗̭͍̯̯͔̗͡y̘̱̥̟ͅo҉̦̹̙ṵ̯͎̱̖̹̕ͅ.̘̠̙̣͈̼̺̱̥̠̣̤̺̜͝ͅT̪̝͠h̵̼̟i̹̠̬̠s̬̩̪͖ͅ ̫͎̪͕̝̯͔w̛̙̬̼͎̫o҉͙̠̞̥͔n͇̦̰'̛t̨͎̝̘͓͓͖̭ ҉e̜̪͙͚͢ͅn̳͖̪̮͕d̝̖͉̻ ͍̞͎̲̻͠ͅt͕̳̦͉̖͍̰̕h̰͘e̜ͅ ͇͓͈͕̥͈͖w̧̹a̳͔͖̝̻̦y̤͚̕ ͍̙̦̻̬y̥̲̙̯̪ͅo҉u̙̰̜͢ͅ ̸̯̦̫̞̝t̝͉̠͕h̬̭̠͖͙i̪n̙̗̥͓͈̙̞k̬͖̼̩͕.̵ͅ





	A Wolf On The Radio

**Author's Note:**

> I have returned from my extended hiatus. Now, bear with me because there's a lot of stuff I need to start writing with again, but I thought this was a good place to start. For now, enjoy the descent into madness. Well, more madness.

We had been on the road for a while. Esther sat in passenger seat silent, focusing her stare outside. Despite her shorter haircut, it was amusing to see her constantly parting the hair from her face in the gusting winds. The reassuring boyfriend thing to do might’ve been to hold her hand, though I felt being the reassuring driver with both hands on the wheels would’ve been more effective at easing her. Still, the excitement was plain on her plastered grin as she looked back to me. It’s been a few months since we last had some time alone together. 

A drive-in theatre date wasn’t unheard of, but I’m sure most people outside the 1950s would rather stay home for their movies. The drive-in had been a popular spot for quite some time during our school days. I remember my dad driving my brother and I to all of those midnight premieres for whatever superhero movie was out at the time and I made a promise to Esther that I would take her one day. It had been some time since I went back there due to a never-ending path in my life called “work.” Fortunately, the overlords were merciful enough to give me a few days off. 

I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I was hoping to sneak in some shuteye during the movie. A willingness to work overtime was a good quality on resumes and subsequent paychecks, not so good when the wear from it started making me look like a homeless person. I had been doing whatever I could to at least close my eyes. Working out, sleeping pills, medicinal teas, antidepressants, nothing was doing the trick. It didn’t help that Aiden ghosted on me for the past few months. Every now and then I looked over my shoulder, hoping to hear some wry joke at my expense. Maybe call me whipped with an added punch on the arm, too. But he was never there. I guess that meant I was  _ going _ insane or that I wasn’t anymore. I’m still trying to figure out which one was more disturbing.

Aside from the mounting paranoia, there was nothing to stop from having a good night out and I wanted to make the most of it. Nearing the destination, I decided to detour to the convenience store a few blocks from it.

“I’m gonna go grab some snacks,” I said.

“Not a fan of drive-in cuisine?” Esther shot back.

“Yeah, but my wallet is allergic, unfortunately. It sneezed out $20 when it came into contact with a small bowl of popcorn.”

“Sounds like quite the allergic reaction.”

“Believe me, it was a tragedy.”

Luckily, I remembered to stay liquid since then. Call me a cheapskate if you want. I parked up front and I headed inside the store. DING-G-G! There was that familiar chime. 

Her hand found its way in mine as we strolled through the aisles. We each took our turns grabbing whatever junk food caught our eyes, though she seemed particularly fond of the chocolate rabbits. Whether it’s because they were sweet and adorable like her or if it was the closest she’d ever get to eating the real thing, I’ll never know.

Cooked rabbit surprisingly has a unique flavor, despite the “every foreign meat tastes like chicken” rule. After that experience, however, I could never look another rabbit in the eye without saying, “I’m sorry, but you were delicious,” without feeling guilty.

“It’ll be nice to have something other than a struggle sandwich for a change,” she said.

“Not quite sure junk food is a healthier alternative,” I grabbed a bag gummy bears, “What did you put in the last one you had?”

“Uh, it was just butter in between two pancakes.”

“That’s… not exactly a sandwich. Still, breakfast for dinner? Shit, that doesn’t sound bad.”

“Trust me, you won’t be saying that when you have it for a week straight.”

“Nonsense, pancakes are  _ flipping _ delicious,” I said.

Esther glared back, laughing to herself. “You need to stop trying to _batter_ me up, mister.”

**Tͬ͗̇̓̈́̒̾e͙̦͙̾r͔̱͓̺̓r͓͖̼̓͆̿̃̎ͦͨĭ̠̳͔̭̃̔b̩̣̜̻ͥ̍ͦ̄l͈̣̂ͨȇ̘̪̹̲̞̮͂̈̇ ̟̝̜̲̍̐ͅḥ̲̝̰ͦͨ̓̐ȕ͈̲̙̔m̤̗͙̰̘͓ͥ͊o̱͖͍̼̲̻ͭ̂̓r̟̦̩̺͙͓͛̏ͮ͛͌ͪ ̑ͮĩ̪̜͉͇̯̤̈́͗ͨͨ̎ͮs̫͕̼̀͗̆ ̥͚̩͉e̫͎̣ͣ̇ͅv̹̙̽e̙͒r͍͍̠̝̲̦̃͒ͩͬ̅yͪ͊̽o̫̥̩̲͇̲͛̊̾́͑ͨ̚n͍̭̜̫̰̱͋͆ͣ͊̿̈e̙̯̣̠̝͚̺ͦ̈’̆̒s͈͇̦ ̮̅̀͗w̞̝͚̓ea̲̩̠̜̻͖͂k̲̤͖͚͉̼̓͒ͅn͖̣̳̙͕͕̑ͅȇ̟̭ͨs̞̥ͥͭ̔s̲̻͉̙̗̔̐͒̂ͅ,̪̯͇̞͔̲ͬ̚ͅ ḯ̒ț̮͈ ̮͕͓̫̼̌s̜̣̪͓͑̈́ͯee̫͓ͅm͔̜̺͊͊̽͗ͧs͈͉͍̼̲̦̑.**

 

Now, I was lucky that I’m one of those kids who got over their “peeing the bed” habit pretty quickly growing up. Still, habits have a nasty way of resurfacing. What I heard brought a chill down my spine, but what I saw… turning my stomach would be an understatement.

**“W̒̌͆̀ͫ͐o̅́́͐ȗl̔̈͂̈̂ͤd̓̽̉ͥṅ̃͂'ͤ͛ͫ̆ẗ͒ͤ͂͑̽ ͐͛y̋ö́̂u̓͊ ͧ͆ͮ͆̃̌â̽̐͊g͗ͨ̃̎ͭ́ͧͤ̈r̒͂͂̎̌eͩ̂ͩ̃͋ê͆͌,ͮ͛̆ ̄ͨ͐Aͥ̾͑͌ͩͤ͊̽J̄̓ͯͣ͑ͮ̋?̿̾̍̋̂** ,” the figure whispered, black gas escaping where it’s mouth would be. “ **W̬͚̼͖̖h̤͔̹y̺̺ ͕̱͉a͙͕͎̬̰̼͉r̪̗̪̖̝̗e̯̼ ̜̙͕̜y͍̫̹̫̝o͕u̪̣̰̗̹̙ ̭͙a͉f̦̱͍̟r̲̘͍͎̰̘a͙i̪͔̜̦̦̳͍͉d͚̬̝?̖̲͙̮ ̠͉̫̤͙͙̟D̫̣̲o̺͍ṉ͖͕̹̣̘'̙̝t̼̙ ͙̳͔͈ͅy̯̪o̤̱̭̫u͎̠̞͎͎ ̗̼͓̙̜̪̩r͓̳̯̮̯̖e͎͇̯̖̮̗ͅc̰͙̬͚̟͙̗o̪͍͈̙̮̱g̰̲̱͖͔n͕͇i͔̗̼̺̝̩z̦̭̦̙ͅe̩͉̼̙͎̣̺̮ ̣̠͕͍͇m̼̖̳͖̲̤e͙̭̬ͅ?̦͈̣”**

“AJ, you okay?” Esther shook my arm.

I looked at her and back to the figure. No amount of rubbing my eyes or shaking my head would make my new problem disappear. It awkwardly lifted its arm, breaking sludge strands as it separated from its body. There was a brief wink and then a wave of the hand. I think that was its way of trying to set me at ease, which sort of worked. I went from being absolutely freaked out to incredibly uncomfortable. “Totally, I am A-ok.”

I breathed in and out, realizing that I was shaking all over. My heartbeat picked up as well and I held Esther close to me out of instinct. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words were lost in the moment. “Here, pay for the stuff with this,” I passed her $10 bill, “I think I need some fresh air.”

Esther raised an eyebrow at me. As I turned to go back outside, she grabbed my arm and tugged back. “AJ, if something’s wrong, please just—”

Another hand pulled my arm away from her, turning me to the oozing figure again. Guiding me back through the door, its hand tendrils stretched out further. The substance felt like what the symbiote from Spider-Man looked like. Not the good, realistic one from the Venom movie, it was like the practical stuff from Spider-Man 3. Ech, it makes me squirm just remembering it.

**“I̜̺ͅ ̦͈̻̯͙t͈̫̠͖͖͇͇h̤̙͓i̲̣n͈̩͔̱͖̭k̩̭̻̟͕̣ ͈̪͖͙t͇̰h͉͇̹͇͚͇͇̻i̘̪͙̤͕̻̝s̜͍͇̺ ̗i̟̫͉̲̮̥s̤͉͔̝̩̯̫̟ͅ ͇̻̟̠e͖͍͔͙ͅn̻̯̭̜̳̖͇͕̩o͎͈̭̯͉͙̮͓ͅu͖g̲̻̝̜̤̖h̞̠ ̰͎͈͓̱͙̦̯rͅo̖͉͓o̺̞͔̦͚m̬̭̱̪̙̻̤̼ ̦f̗̝̪̙͉̣̼o̰̙̰͉͔̜͖r̘̘̘͚̫̟͚̳͔ ̩y̮̲̠̖͈̹o̞̟͇͖͔͍̜u͕͍ ̪̮͎̙̫͙̬͓t̖͎̖̫̰o͔̘͕̭̮ͅ ̲͖̭̗b̼̬̣ṟ̤͖̠̥̬e̟̠a̻͚͚̝̼̻t͈͉̟̼ḫe͖̤̝̦͙̟̘.̞̣̘̠̘”**

 

“Okay,  **what the actual fuck are you and why are you here now** ?!” My mind was running in circles, trying to sort this maze of confusion I found myself. “It was hard enough figuring out how to deal with Aiden as my figuratively conjoined twin, I am  _ not  _ going to let my brain turn into Fuller House!”

 

**"͗ͨ̾̚I̐̊́̓ ͒̄̇ͭͦ̌p͌ͦͩ̊ͮ̒ͨr̋̃̚e̅̆̀͌̈ͪ̚f̿ͨ̂ͣ̉ë́ͬͣͫ͛͗r t͐hͮ̄̈́̐e͋ͯ ͦ̃ͩȏ̓͐ͯ̽r͛ĩ̅ͮgin̊ͪͥ̆alͥ͒͐ s̓̒̈ͯ͒̇̔e͋͑̅͒r̄ͩ̒̿i̾̒̍̅́eͥ͊̍sͣ͆. ͨͤͤ͂͌̌̚S͂ͦ́t͌̾ͬ̄å̅ͨm̒̍ͥ͌̔̀͑oͥ̅s̆̐ ͥ̄̐ͭ̆̍̽ṗla̅̽͛͋y͛̉͊̑eͦͨ͋̌ͬd͊̈͐ͤ ̌ͭ͂̂Jͨ̓͂ė̈́̇ͫͬͧs̒s̾̽͑ͮ̾̂é̓̒ ͭͮ̍̉̌̓ͥbe̔̇͐̒̈́tt̃ë́̅̑͗̉̚r͐̂̅̏ ̊̏̃̔ͯiͣ͐n͊͗ͤ͗̍̇ ͥ̓ͦ̐̚̚t͒͆hͧ́̈́̓e͑ͧ̿ͦͭ ̎eͧ̿̇ả͌̐̿r̐̿l͊iͯ̂e̾ŕͥ́ ͛̃̂̀̉̚s̑͛̄ͣͯͧ̓e͆̅͊ͭ̆aͣ͆͒̈ͬs͆ͪ̓̎̚oͧ͒̿n̑̉͊s̍̎̏.ͫ͆ͪ"ͭ͂̂ͤ**

 

“John Stamos is a goddamn American icon, he is doing his best— that is not the concern right now, who the  _ fuck _ are you?”

**"̮̝̦J̞̥͉̭̭̮ụ̻͖͚ͅs̟̰̰͍t̤̱̙͖̘͍̤͙̪̰̖̖̥̼͎ ̰̫̹̺̻̪̘̩̣̘͈͍c̦͖̘̯l͓͖͎̘̱̭o̯̟̺̬̜̝̠s̙͖̩͔e̩̱͈͇̪̪͈̲͍͕ ̫̙̫̞y̱̪͙̳̬̼̤̖̯̟̩̥̫̦o̫͇̠͉̠͎͔̰̭̱̱̤̗̜̬u͇͔͎r͈̫̯̖͈̜̖͍͍͍̳͓̞̬̠̱͔ ̫͖̻̻̘̜̦̺̼̗̲e̜͕̭̝̫̱̖̙̗y̝̩͇̺e͈̮̯̺̰̙̘̞̩̝͚͉͈̤̳̯s͚͉̤͖̤̩͉̣͖̝͍̯̞̼̼͇ ̩͙̫̭̖͙̰̞̘̹͚͖̹̜̞a̤̖̬͔̞̯̪͎̭͙̠̬̣ͅͅn̦̤̣̺͈̫͚͕̗̠d̪͙̝͍͍̻̰̜̯̺̭͇̼̤ͅ ̫͚̤͚̹̲̤̤̙͓b͕̥͖̪̱̣̯̫̥͍r͈̦̣͖e̹͉̰̫̘̺͓̹͖͙̲̥̼̥a̯̗̫͉̤̳̖͚͓̞̩̳̼̗t̗̹̺̭̱̼̘̦̥̥̱̳̤͎ͅẖ̦̻̟̥͔͎͓͙͔̘͚͙e̹̺̺̖͇̺̗̦̱̹͎̗͎̖.̠̗̠͚ ̣̝̲̹̻̰I̯̘̗̖̼̥̪͔̱͎͎ͅͅt̗̗̟͖̯̺̭͖̙̜̰̙̖ͅ'̝̙̪̲̻͍l͙͎͇̳̥͙͍͙͈̹̻̩ͅl̮̦̪͕͍̝̯̥ ͈̯̣͚͎̩͙͇̙̫̺͚̩̩̜ͅͅh̤̗̫̺͍͓͚̖͖̖͙ͅe̖͓͍͚̜̦̫̲̠̻̝͓̟͖̝ͅl̤̙̘ͅp̺̫̜̭͈̻͓̤̱̠̤̯̜ ̫͍̼̖͈̰͔͈̗̟̜̹̥̹̰ͅy͕̠̥̦̬̲̗̥̺̞̖̞̞o̥͎̙̘u̩̞̠̩̠̳̦͙̥̖̻̪͈̞̞ͅ ̤̠̺͈̹͉̘̗͚̮̬̝̘s͈͎̥̹̥͍̪͔͓ẹ̥̘͕̱̳̲̣̥̬̥ͅͅe͈̖̥͍̲̥̮̺̲̬̥̘̲͎̠͚ ͎͓̫m͚̮͖̙̬̘̖̯̞̯̭̳̘e͖̗͈̩ͅ ̗̦͕͎͍͎̻̺͕͓̙b͎̤̹̱̜̪̰̞͇e̹͉̙̖͈̪͖̹̫͚̬̹̪ͅͅt̲͍̣͕̖͔̩̱̞͚̪̹͕̗̤ṯ̯͉̜̤̤͎̱̘̥̰̮͓ͅe͉̻͇̦͍͎͇͉͔͓̼̗̝̱ͅr̲̥͓̟̯̰̘͍͈̜͈̜͔̻.͚͉̮͇̤̟"̫̫̳̥͔͙͈͕̖̯̣̝̻͔ͅ**

  
  


“Fine, fine!” I figured I could play along, if only to ease my frustration and confusion at the situation.  _ Dear God, I hope this isn’t another personality. One was plenty and I am already enough of a basket case as is. _

As I breathed in, my train of thought found its way looking back on my memories from middle school,  _ much _ simpler days for me. The days where I could be carefree and not have to worry about having a mental breakdown. Well, sort of. To save time and not bore you with exposition, I had a bit of complicated family life myself. Mom lived in a completely different state, Dad lived in another city, and I was living in the middle with my grandparents. They were good people full of stories, just annoyingly old-fashioned. After they took me in, I started getting smug, erratic, and angry all the time about having my mom sent away from me and my father not coming into the picture for quite some time until he heard about what I turned into. 

Funny enough, it’s also around that time I met Esther, although our relationship was quite different back then. My grandparents always asked me how I got claw marks on my arms and it somehow came back to the excuse of being attacked by a stray cat. After a year of mutual bullying between us, we ended up bonding over the stuff we hated in our lives. Of course, I suggested we become a crime-fighting duo with our brooding backstories, but obviously, that idea didn’t quite take off. For now, at least.

We became friends until I eventually asked her out during high school. I say ‘asked’, it was actually me dropping not so subtle hints and stuttering when the time came to ask her for real. She was perceptive of this, however, and managed to fill in the blanks. It was all pretty much textbook relationship stuff from there. If said textbook was missing pages, written in a foreign language  _ with crayon _ , torn in half, and sold at a gouged-price on some college campus. With another part of my mind manifesting before me, my heart raced at the realization that I didn’t even scratch the surface of what I knew about myself.

 

**"͇̪͕̬͓Ỵ̰o͉̪̫͇u͇̻̲̤̩ ̤̥͕͖̘͎ͅc͉̙̹͙an̝ ̦̯̹̬o͇̝̮̭̘͉͚p̬̪̱̮̳̩͉e̞̳̦͎̞̣̬n̳̘͈͕̭̻͎ u͍̦͉͚p̼͓̟͖,͕̭̟̘͖̺ ̱̪n̺͔̝̩̖̖o̙͓̻̥̪͕w̮̠̠̻͍̲̻. ͕͎̖̫̺̯"͎̫͕̣͓**

 

As I exhaled, my mind returned to the present. What I saw was no longer this mass of black gas and ooze, but the figure of a child who reflected the night sky and all of its stars on him. “Okay, this is… less freaky. You actually look at lot like—”

 

**"̏̑͐̃̿̏̈͋Ȳo̾̓ŭͥ̇͗͒ͣ?͑ ̊͐̏͋ͯ̉͗̂W͐̒ͬͦ̐̅ͦe͆̓͊ͩͬ̚l̓͆l͋͌ͦ,̓ͯ ̿͐͑Iͥ͑ͨ ̂̌t̏͛̒̾̒̓e̊ͣc̍̔̆̌h̉̂̓̆̾̎ͤn̿̃̓͑ͤ̒iͥc̒͒̂̑́͐ͦͫaͩ͊ĺ̊̎ͯlͯͪ͑ý̍̏ͦͩ̽͂ͩ ̐ͮ͒̊́aͫ͒ͭ̔ͨmͧ͂.̓ͭ͊ͦ̚"̒̂͊̄̇̄ͦ̚** he said. The starry child flickered, channeling a jacket similar to my own onto himself.

“So, you’re like Aiden? Another dissociation? I feel like I should know who you are, but for the life of me...”

**"͍̩̭̱Y͍̖o͉̫̭u̦̞͎̱̯ ̞̬̪c͚̮̱a̞͙̗̦̭̮n̥͇͚̞̳̣̳͔͙'͈̼̭͇͈̩̰̭ṯ͇̪ ̞̱̘r͉̘̰̮͈͔ͅe̻̣m̫͍͚̺͙͓͈ͅe̘m̥͓̱̳̟̼b͉͍̫e̩̘̦̻̻̫̱ṛ̙.̬̦̬̰̰̤ ̲͉͓̦̰̤P̩͈̟̥̲̦͇r͕̳͖͓e̺̻̯t̘̱̮̥͈t̟̟͙̝y̻̙̦͕̝̣̥̺ ̜̲̯̤̱͍i̞̻r̹͙̦̺̬̗o̯n͖̞i̦̥c̘̜͙̠̰̟͔,̹͙̫̬ ͓̘̣i̤̣̳͇̘͔̟f̤̲̲̳ͅ ̲̯̺͍y̮͕̳o͕u̬̩͉ ̞̤̠̗̜͚a͖s̬̠k͍͇̞ ̣m͕͙̹̱͚e͔̬̻̼̯̞.͓͔͈͓̤"͉͎̟**

 

“I  _ am  _ asking you.”

 

He pinched his nose.  **"͔͔͕A̝͎̠̗̺i̙ḏ͕̰̠en͔͓̭ ̯͚w͙̜̙a͚̼͉ͅs̘̞͚͙ ̗̩̞̝̱͕y͔ͅo̦̣͖̙̻u͙̖̺̟͍r̖̬̪̞ ̻͓̬͎̟͈f̰̬̭o̺̟̬̥̫̝̬i̘l̻̲̠̙.͇͖̼͈ ̻̯̪T̘h͓͕̺̤̫̱͍e i͔͔͖̪̦m̱̳̖ag̼͔̘e̝̲ ͇̫͍͉̭of̝͕̗̫ ̦̘̝̭̺̹t̮̗̼h͓e̹͍ ̙̜͕͔̯m͚͖a̫ṇ̩͕̱̼ ̣͇̲̦̯̪y̞̲̙̳o̬̝u̪̰̜ ̟̗w̳̺̤ͅe̗̬̜̹̩̠̖r̰̟̘̱̟e̯̣̯̳̼̼̠n̲̭̠͔͉̟'̩̲t,̠̪͓ ͎̩̠͚ͅw̩̲͖͚a̤͖n̠tḙ̜̟d̩͓͉͇ ͖̭t̟̗͈̩̪o͖͖ ̤̞̮͍̠̘b̦̜͙̲͚e̩̬̘.**

 

He placed his finger to the side of his head, then reached to my forehead. Suddenly, his face began to take a more familiar shape. I recall it like I was standing in mirror. A mirror with some seriously youthful energy.

“You’re me.  _ Were  _ me I should say.”

**"̥̹No̫̳̞w͚,̩̻̻ y͍͙o̤̜u̦̘͇'̻͓v̫̜e̟̤͇ ̮͕go͍̟t̮ ̟i̱̳̺̞t̜͙̤̬.̣"͍** Though he had no actual mouth, I could still see that familiar curling on the edges of his cheeks.

Coming up from behind, Esther walked out of the store with two bags worth of snacks in her hand. “Believe it or not, I got change back.”

“Awesome! Remind me to take you grocery shopping with me more often.”

“You’re telling me. How are you feeling?”

“Uh, better, much better. I just got the shakes again, that’s all.”

She sighed. “As long as you’re okay now. Try not to scare me like that, Aiden.”

_ Oh God, she used the A-word. She must be more nervous than me right now. Wait, what does she have to be worried about? Oh, right. The big sleep deprived anxious mess of a boyfriend. _

We hopped back into the car, assessing the stash we amassed. Sweets, chips, cookies, the usual go-to junk foods. At the bottom of the pile was a bottle of iced coffee, just for me. 

As I turned the ignition, the star child came into view in the rearview mirror, shrinking in the back seat. Esther returned to her pondering state looking out the window as I drove off. I’m sure if he was actually real, he’d hit it off with her, talking about art or Dungeons and Dragons like her and I used to. Well, he  _ is _ me so technically he already did… aaand I’m going to stop this thought process because I’d rather not give myself or  _ you _ an aneurysm from too much circular logic. Even as he occasionally looked back at me and swung his legs against the seat, his presence still left me questioning my mental state without reassurance to any residing bright side to the situation.

At the very least I had my music playing, some nice indie rock for a smooth ride under the setting sky. 

 

“ **T͉̩̰ͤ́ͯͮ̿̓͊ḧ͔͉̯̣̳̯ͩ̓͂̑ͩê̘̪͎͌̏̊ ̯̘̼̥͕͇̝͊̿̂m̥̪̰̺̣̐́ͯo̲̳͖͉̦̓̾ͮ̌o͔̻͖̫̪̹ͯ͊n̿́̓̋̎ͩ ̟̜̳̠̱̖͚̃s͈͕̖̖̜̦̯̲ͭ̍͑̂͗̍̄̾ͅú̖͚̖͊̐ͭr̤͙̟͕̼̪͙̱ͣ̂e̹̩̗̘͚̺̭̘̙ͮͪ̂̔ͪ́ ̹̬͇̻̲̔ͅͅi͉̲͔͕̟̱̹̔̎ͯͤ̾̊̓́ͅs̤̥̰̥͖̟̮͚̱̃͒͗ ̘͕̪͖̣͖̅̏̍̂͂̿r̼̳̺̤̿̿ͬ̓͊̓͋̒̚o̮͕͓̩͛̋ͨ̋ủ̠͕͎̅̃̂͂ͫ͐̋̔n͈̝̖͓͂̉͐̌̃̒̑̅̂d̮̥̳̭̖͙̊ͥ̆ ͍͍̭͇̬̺̹͉̌̐̓ͣā̩̎̈́̃n̖͖̬ͦͅd͚̩̝̼͇̈́͊̉ͤ ͓̥̳͓̪̻͗̂ͭ̏̅f̜͎̼̜̯͚̼͓ͫͩu͕̩̒͂̍́l̳̜̹̯͎̯̯̄ͭ̇̆ͦ͋̊ͪͪl͉̺̲̰̺̖̘͑̌̆̒ͅ ̙̖̯͎̰͔ͬ̑͊ͯű̠̰̦́͊ͣ͆̆p͇̗̠̌̈̀͌̍ ͍̝̻̝̮̆̒t̳̯̮͛̐̓̉h̻̪̭̗͊ͨ̓̄ͧ̄̓ḙ̓̅̅̃͐r̥͚̹̘̪̝̟͕ͮ̒̇̋ͣ̆e̖̤̳͕̮͓̜̍̅̊̑̏̓̽.”**

 

“Huh?” Esther turned to me.

_ Shit, did he say that or did I?  _  “Oh, nothing. I was just saying how cool the moon looks tonight. It’s like a glowing cheese wheel up there.”

She chuckled, tapping her fingers to the music on the windowsill. “I’m pretty sure you’re just hungry.”

This took me back to all of those insomnia induced eating binges I used to have during college. I couldn’t possibly count the amount of fast food induced nightmares I had, just to feel warm and comfortable when I put my head to the pillow. I thought maybe I could quiet the racing thoughts in my head by quieting the growling beast that I called my stomach. Turns out, it was my brain that crying out, using my stomach as a poor hostage.

I came to a stop light just two blocks away from our final destination. As I turned the radio down, the whole world began to feel just a little more enclosed. The streets were pretty much empty, given they all more or less led to the one place still making profits off of nostalgia. Just a little further past, an overstuffed SUV turned into the drive-in entrance. There had to be at least ten people trying to hold themselves inside, though the dangling leg out the passenger window says they were only partially successful.

For a second, there was a soft poke against my cheek. It was Esther offering me an Oreo from the snack stash. I accepted the cookie happily, almost downing it whole before a better idea struck me. Holding half of it in my mouth, I leaned over to her and tried to keep an eye on the light. Her hand traced along my chin and turned me to her smiling face. Our lips met as she pulled me closer to the creamy center, letting a slight chuckle escape her as she bit down into the cookie.

Tasty, as always. As the light turned green, I continued on our drive. The entrance was still minimal, consisting of only a ticketing office and boom gate. The woman at the booth was some new hire that I didn’t recognize. 

“You know,” she said, “I’ve been meaning to apologize to you.”

“Huh? What for?”

Esther opened her mouth to speak but hesitated for a moment. She turned to me. “I know you’ve been working overtime and I can’t help but feel… y’know, responsible for that.”

 

The star child leaned forward in his seat.  **"̻W͈̦͉̝̟̙͡ͅe̜̳̯͝'̖͉͈̝͘v̮e͙͔͚ b͈͍̮͚̼̪e̞͓͕͚̲̺ͅe̵̙͎̲̪̜n̜̜̘͕͉ ̷̺̟h̸̞͎̯̙̘̩e͓̪̭̞̕r̜̱̤̯͝e̘̯̼͝ ͚̳͈͖̯b̶ẹ͔͚̱ͅf̭o̶̥͇̖͔r̴̰͕e̠̰͖̙͡ͅͅ.̨̪̘̣̦"̨͉͎**

I shook my head. “Look, don’t beat yourself up. It was out of my control and besides, it’s more money in my pocket.”

“When was the last time you slept?”

I drove forward into the empty parking lot, stopping right in the middle. “Last night.”

She scoffed. “I said slept, not napped or dozed off. When was the last time you  _ voluntarily _ went to bed?”

“Hm. When was the last time we saw each other?”

Despite my attempt at levity, Esther shook her head at me. She curled up in her seat, turning away from me. I guess I never got the memo that sarcasm is to be used sparingly.

“AJ, did that night change anything between us?”

My body tensed up at her armor-piercing question. “Of course, it wasn’t exactly a forgettable experience.”

“Oh really?”

“You’re waiting for me to make a sex joke, aren’t you?”

She shot me a look that all but screamed: “You said it, not me.”

“Es, there’s not a whole lot to say. We took a leap forward for us and, coincidentally, that leap was into your bed.”

Though she tried her best to hold it in, a begrudging giggle slipped out of her. “It’s just that it was a weird situation. I didn’t really know if I wanted to do that sort of thing with someone, and I’m even more uncertain now that we have.”

The only thing worse than an outright rejection of our night together was ambiguity and uncertainty to the experience as a whole. It was scary to not know what she could’ve been thinking, only able to feel the tremors in my hands at her words.

“Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being with you that night!” she placed a hand on my arm, momentarily ceasing my shaking. “It’s… it just feels like I enabled  _ something _ with you then and now it’s like you’ve been avoiding me out of shame because of it.”

I kept my eyes forward, answering only with a deep sigh.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just— I don’t want you to feel bad about it, all right?”

Still, I sat there without uttering a word. She released her hold on my arm and turned to face the window.

As I turned off the ignition, the silence began to set in. I sat for a moment, waiting for her to look at me once more, but still, she stayed turned away. Not wasting time, I turned on the radio and searched for the drive-in’s station.

“I’ll be right back, I gotta pee,” she turned and opened her door.

“Don’t fall in,” I replied.

Ignoring my comment, she left and went on her way. As I continued to scroll through frequencies, the star child peeked his head up next to me.

**C̅ͭͧ͂͊̇aͨ͏n ̵͛I͘ ̴̔ş̊ͩ̂͆͂ͦͣi͌̃ͦ̊̐͆t̴ ̽ũ̅̓p̆ͨͥ͛̋͑͟ ͪ͂͊ͯ̾͏fͯ̏ͫr̶̃͛̆oͣ̑̌͐ͪͭn̷ͥt̅ͮͤ̅̄͂ͦ͠ ͒̌̎̓w̿ͬ͋̉iͩ̋͛͗ͣt̃ͯ҉h̵ ̇ͫ͗ͦ̒y̾̇oͮ̌ͤͧ̚͞u͆̊̈̚? ͦͮ͆ͭͧ̎I̓̓ͪ̅t̉̎ͥ͋ͫ ̍͘s͌͗ͮ̇̇͆m̌ͫ̿e̊lͭ̿͂ͦ̏̆ls ̴͋̈́̅lͬ̏i̡ͩkͤ̃͆ͮ͟ě̄͌͐ ̄̆͐c͐͝o̸ͬ̏̍͂̚f̿ͦͨ͝f̽̔e͠e̵ͥ̉̇͂́ͣ̃ ̊ͥ͑̈͋̍a͑̒͠nd ̎͆̇s̓̓t͛ͧ̃ͦ̆̒a̅lͮ͂̆e̍ͬ̋̿̒͘ ̴͒d̑̋ͥͨ̏́ͮo̓͂ͥ̏̀͂ͫ͝ň́̎ȗ̔t͆sͪ ͤbaͣ̉ͫc͊ͪ̀̈ͫkͦ̈́̌̑ͬ͟ ̵͐ͬh͐̾͂ͮ̆̄e̅ͨ͞rͣ͏e.̷̓͐ͭͩ̂**

Right. I had forgotten to clean out my trash bag from the back seat. After being wired for hours on end for days at a time, you don’t really notice how much caffeine and sugar you burn through until you take a step back. I nodded at the star child.

He crawled up and hopped into the passenger seat. As I rummaged through my mind for questions to ask, he dangled his legs against the seat and stared at the full moon in the sky. This construct of my psyche reminded me of the space dream Esther always shared with me. Her fantasy was to just leave her home and family to colonize the moon just because. I assumed she genuinely wanted to travel the stars, and I couldn’t help but indulge in it with her. Exploring the vast unknown regions of the heavens and making space babies? I’m all for that.

Then, it made sense. I found that telltale invisible smile on the star child once again. “So,” I started, “I guess that nebula skin you’ve got going on isn’t just for show.”

 

**Ỳ͛͛͛ͩ͗̒͘o̽͑̕u̶̇ͣͦͣͤ͌̚ ̧̈́ͥt̢ͩͭ͐ͨ̓̏͋eͥ̐̽̽l̅͆́ͬl̢̍͐̓̊͐ ̽ͣ̽̄͛̒͡m̴̿̏ͦ̅̑ͦ̉ȇ,** he said.

“I think I technically just did.”

He chuckled softly, shifting in his seat. He began to play with the chair settings, reclining the seat back and forth.  **"̛Y̰̯̣̻͎̝̭o͉̝̟͈u̴̼̥͓̺͍ ̴̱̮͎̘̗̮k̻̞̝̪n͏̮o̩͉̙͍w͔ͅͅ,̹̲̩̻̭ ̬͎̟̝I̶̯̖̺̹͇̜̣ ̜͇̠̼̗͜u̴͖̻̹̦̻̝s̪͙̦͚̘e̥d̦̙ ̠̩̘t͔͈̥͓̼̥̩o̞ ͚̰͔͈̗b̖̲̤͇͈e͎͕͎ ̜̩̺̬̖͚̤t̗̤̬̣͚a̱̝͞ll̝̦͠er̝̜͉͉̭̪̘͠.͈͔̟̼̖̘͓̕"̫͟**

“How is that even possible? Aren’t you just a figment of my imagination?”

He looked at his hand, endlessly evaporating in the air.  **"͏Ỵ͍̬ou̳r ̫m̬͓i͔̲n͇d ̖͕͎̞̬̖c̤̱̬ẖ̭a͕͔̥̜̗͓͚n̮͎g̝͇͕͇e̬̗͈̤̤̲s͔̬̤̭͎̯ ̬̹y̪̥̺͉̠̗̝o̥̤̪u̞r̯̯̩̣ ͇̹̖̙̫f͍̼̙r͉̲̟a͍̥͕̜͉ͅͅm͍e͖.̦̩ ̩̻I̮̹ ͕̭͈͎͚̥c̤̟̥̙̱̹̯o̳̖̝̝u̳̙̪͓̞̦ld̹͉̳̩ ̹̺̬͉̖̬b̯̞̳̪e̖̱ ̦̣̙w̟̩̥̻̯ͅh̻at̥̜̯̼̤ ͍̹̪y̪̹̯̮͎̳ͅo͎̬͓̳u͈̳̺͔̖̣ ͖̜̗w̫̘̪̭̗͖a̝͇̗̼͕n̻t̪̲̹͕ ̝̖t͖͈͓̹̬̭̤o ̯̺̗͔̜ͅͅb̗e̯̤͎̦̟.̤͎̙͕͚̯ ̩̲̳̲͎͇ͅI͓̙͉ ͉̣̖c̜̱̥̜̖ͅo̘̠̥͓uͅͅl͇̼̝͎̟d̟̥͈̟ ̪͍͇̻̞͈b̫̥̗̫̤̙e̫̠ ͇̬͎̥̮w͓̥h̤̲̻̯̦a̦̤̥͚̝t̝̗̙͔ ͚͚̭̩̞͎͖y͎̩̳͇͈o͈̼̤̳͇u̙̲͎ ͇̺̤̮h̦̤̟̹̟̥a̖̙t̫̟̱e̦̪̬̻̠̳̻ ̪t͕̪͇̹͙̠o͖ ͍̠ͅb̜e̱̳͇͍.̥**

 

“All I want is to be with Esther right now. No offense, but seeing you is making me question whether or not someone slipped drugs into my food today.” I looked at my reflection in the windshield, surprised to see that it wasn’t my own tired face staring back. The star child was looking me in the eye as if he was painted on the night sky itself. He tilted his head as I did, held a hand to his face as I did. The hand I saw in front of me, however, was now made of dark matter and bright stars. A single chuckle soon devolved into a fit of hysterical laughter. Tears dripped along my face as I felt my mouth melt shut.

I clawed desperately at my face, gasping for air. Frantically pulling the door handle, I tumbled out of my car to the dirt below. I could hear the echoing static on the radio grow louder and louder. No amount of laughter and scratching at my ears could drown out the terrible noise that grinded against every fiber of my brain.

“Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop,” I cried aloud. “Fuckfuckfuckfuck what is h̺͖̝̖͓͎a̜̼̗p̲͓̟ͅp̝̥ͅḙ̝̭̙n͔̮̜̲in͉̗g̭̼̳͇̼̹ t̝̖͔̳̟̗̗͙o̞͚̠̗̞̥̩ m̶҉̸̯̘̟̬̳̲̥̱̹͕̦͜͡e̶̢͉̖̻̥̕͜͝?̧̡͍̥̭̯̯̗̦̫͘͞

 

**…**

**…**

**…**

**"̳͙̩͓̤̮T̙̖̘̖h̞̭̮ͅi̻͇̤̲͎̝s̲͙̘̫ ̣̗p̫̪̟̫̯̗̣̘a̱͚̖͙i̺̙̜̟̝̠n̪̝ ̟̖̝̟̜̹y̦̗͓͍o̝̩̱̲u͎̙͖ ̹f̗͉e̝͓̫̜͓e̗̺l̩̟̩͎ ̗̞̘̮͇i̱̞͈̻̥s̹͍͙͔ ̻̤̙͙̙̜̖̝e̫͕̺̹̪x̻̹̮͔̭̬͎̤̮c̹͍͍r̹̙̙̪̤̱͙ͅṷ̝̜c̹i͕̦̲̣̘a̼͙͙̲̙ͅt̪̗̮̰̯̭̲̘͎i̫̘̜̥ṋ̖̫̝̫͙g̫͓̘.͚̲̗"̼**

  
  


**"͍̪̤͚̹̠̩T̝͓̰̲h̰͕e̬͇̰͓͖ ̳̫̦̬̘h̲̻͙ͅo͎̲̰̺̺̭̙u̩̭͕̼̲͓r̙s̱̤͇̙̗ ̟͓̙͔̯t͉̩̠͔̝͚̮h͙͙̲̩̠̩a͕̰̖͙͉͍͓t͓̯̠̮̭̙͚ ͔̪̺͙̮̪p̺͇̯̮̮a̼̜̜̲̦̤͓̼̪ṣ̬̠̹s̪̩͔̻̜ed ̗̥͓̬i̙̭n͉͈̪̫̗̲ ̖̩͙̯̜̥̤w̭̲̠̯̯͍a̟̖̗̝͉͙̗̳k̜̱̞̜e̦͚̟̯̝͖̠ ̞̟̤͚̩̰͍̪h̹͍͖a̩͉̻̜̯v̥̣͓͔̟e̻͉̜̯̞̟̺ ̣̼̭̤̬͉̥̝t̮̤̹͎̤ͅa̞̖̰ͅk̹̦̩͚̤̖͙ͅe͔̥n̩͖̤̣̻̜ ̹͚͓̦̞͔̘̰̲t͚͔͈͇̦̫͓h͉̣̭̫͈̻̭e̲͔̝̺̣̠i͕͚̹r̬̰̭ ̞̥̟̲̣t̫̟̯̹̹̮̦o̻l̳̩͈̲͕͍̠̦l̲̼̝̦̠͉̮̜ ̙̹̟o͓̟͚n̥͙̰͔̪̠̗̜ ͎͓̘̘͇̟̰̠y͕̘̬̹o̗͈̩͚̟͍u͍̱̗̗̙̝͚̯̪.̣̠̮̠̙̙̻̣"̠̮̠**

  
  


**"̟͔T̬e̲̩̭̺̻̪̖͔l̞̫̩̪̟͙̹͈ͅl͍̦̣͕̱̠̱͍̺ ̱͙̘͇͔̯̥̪̼m̯͕̯̝̹̣e͕̪̝̪.̰̮͇̦̩̦̪"̲̯̫̺̤̺**

  
  


**"̱̠͇̘̞D̹̮̯o̹̰̹͚̥̜͈̤ ̺̰̟̤̳̹̦y̻̝͖̼̗o͚̘u̼̤̝͕̤̼ ͓̫̯̰̞̠̝h͕̺̗͕̩i͔̟d͕e̺̲ ̥̰̻ͅy̻̻̠̻̟̙̙̹̭o̭̲ṳ̗͖̺͚r̺͕̩̫̥̥ͅ ̝̪̜̩͔̰̗̼͇p̻̖̳͎͎a̳̺̰i͚̦͎̰͚͉͍̥n̯̙ ͍̯̮f̦͕̳͚̩ṟ̦̠̦̘͇͕o̗̦̣̹̻̤̟͎ͅm͖̩̞͚̠ ̞̣̹̗̱̱̲h̟̳̺̤̹̬e̥̱̻r̯̫͓̝͙̬̥̘̖ ͙̜͍̟̜͎̫ͅb͓͚̺̞̫ḙ̳͖̳͇c̙̘̱̯̖̲a̟̺͖̻͙̠̠u̳͎͍͕̼̜̲̪s̞̘͇͉͈̩ͅͅe̮͍̗̘̬̙͕̩͇ ̩̮̜y̗̼̙͙o̘̮u̹̲̜͔͚͎̳͖'̣͙̤͍͓̖ͅr̤͔̭̹̭̯̜e̥̝̮̻ ͓a̜̣͕͓͉̝̪̥f̪̭̥̞̘̜r̺̩̜̬͚̟a͚̜i͚̻̖̖͙̺͙̻d͈̲̙̗̜̗̦̞̭?͍͓̼͉͔̬̤̭"͉̫̘̮̲**

  
  


**"̖̦͍̠̦A͚f̼̰͉͖͍̫̹̗͉r͔̬̼̤̤̳a̰͔̤̯͍i̤̠͉̻̳d̠̺̫ ̺̳̜̺o͕̮͎̰͙̰̘̫f͔̫̣̤͇̮ͅ ͓̺̺̹̣w̳̻͚͎̮͈̺̦h̘̮͚̼͓̦a͈t͎͖̟̹ ͉̪̣̖̟s̹̠̮͕̙̺h̞̩̺͕̳͇̭ͅe̼̲̖ͅ ̞̤͙m͓̘̯̠͕̬i̜̙̙̗̪g̻̠̲͖̺̫̤̳h̪̥t̞̺͓ ̰̻̼̝̼t̞̖̫͎ͅh̫i̙̳̠̬n̻̼͙͕̝̯̖ͅk͔͓̪ ̩̻o̘̤̻̝͚̲̪͔̝f̻ ̖̲̪̥̗y͚̯̪̣͚̖̫͉o͓̣͚̖͔͇u̻̹̻̫̮?̥̜̦͚"̖̠ͅ**

  
  


**"̘̻̱O̻͖͈͕̖̥̥r̥̘̖̬̥̖ ͉̳̳a̪̲̦̫̲r͙̫̪͔e̘͇̟ ̦̟̮̘̤͕͓̫y̹͍̙͉̞̟̬͎o̫̙͖͇͚̼u̫ ̻̠͙a̻̖f̹̤͓̰͍̤̭̦͖r̜͖̜̠͉̹̗̦̥a̩̩͉͎i̳̖̠d̟̝̩͓̟ ̯̤̣͓̙o͇͔̖̭̮f̫̭͚̼̰̱ ̭͍̫ͅͅw͓̯̟̩h͓̝̤̝̫̙a̩̜͔ṭ͓ ̜͚̜̤̪͔̫̳y̲̺o̥͇͈͚ͅu͉̦̞͍͓̙͉ ͈̫͍r̜̹̱e̝̭̳̻͓̣̫f̙͎̳u̙͙̙͉̙s̹̝̪͈͙̞e̜̪ ̥t͓͉o̰̺̮ ̣̲̟̯̘̺ͅa͓͕d̜̫̫̜͇̼m̬̖͉̠̰̗i̤̮̳͇̘̬̖t̻̼͍͎̼̺͇?̘̭̝͉̱̖̹͚"̗̣̠̹̥͉**

  
  


**"̤̱Y̞̱͎̩o͎̺͉̣̱͇u͎̦̟̲͎̖̺̞r͓͙̭̗ͅ ̭̗h̤̜̳̰̝͍̯̜̩ẹ̥a͖͔̱̠̟̯r͔͍̝̠̺t̮͖͇̹͚̰̭ͅ'̟͕̺s̭̼̥̻ ̜͍a̭̯̝͉̩ͅf͖̩̹̜̹͎̯̜̦l͔̩a̭̯̜̥̘̼̩m͉͔͈̖e̙͉̻,̮̯͉̹̖̖̙ͅ ̮̤̪͉͉̗y̥͇̙e̖̙t̰̻̫͕ ̠͓̮̘y̳͇o̠̹u̯̗ͅ ̼̗̮͙̭s̮̺̠̩͔t̞̩i̜̰l̩͇͔ḻ͚̠̹͇ ̪̜̫͓̱̫h͇̠̥̙o̙̯̭ͅl̯̟͙̠̗̜̦d̖̭̹̩̘̦̯ͅ ͓̮̮͓̮̯y̰͉o̟͚̝͙̟͎͉̗̫u̟̼͎͓r̻s̲e̳͕͚̬̼ḷ̖̻̼̣̻̫̮͔f͎̦̙̣̖̜̻ͅ ̭͇̹̖̤b͎̪͙̭͈ͅa̝̰c̯̩͕̥͕̝k̟̼̳̱̰̼̗̖ͅ!"̦͕̘͈̼͈**

  
  


**"̺͍̪̗̪̜T̳͖̟̰͖̭͉̩ͅe̩͎͈̭͍̹l̹̝̬͇̥ͅl͖͓͔̠̥̺ͅ ̝͎̦̱̭̬m̹̗̩̩͇e̪̖ ̹̟͖͖̹͖w͓̬̫̱̺h̤̹̟͚̯͚͚̹̤ỵ̖̹ ͙̻y̟̠̙̩̼͖͇͍o̝̤̭̥͕͉̟u̞̗̟̥̳̺̥ ̙͕̥̖̭̗c̮͔̞̟o͍̱͙̜̝n̝̥t̜͉͓͖͓͔̘̖i͙n͍̱̦̞̟̤ụ̘e̞̖̫̹̠ ̩̺̩t̘̥̬̼o̩̣̥̫̞ͅ ̺t͕̲͇̱̝͇̥̹̝o̗r͚̹̘̤͎m̭̙̣̼̭̱̜̻e͍͇̫̘n̦̗̟t̤̼ ̹̪̲̹̪̗̭y͉̘͎͈̬̭̻̦o̻͉͕̹̥̜ụ̗̤̰r͔̗̱̝̭̣s̘e̮̠̗l̰̠̠͈̠f̤̱͙̰̮̼̤ ̣̙̼̣̦̺w̻i̞̩̺͈̭͔ṯ̰͍̪̙h͇̗͉̫͕̝͕̮ ̝̱̩t̮̝̠h͍͈e͚͍s̰͕͍̘̭͓̖ͅe͕̦̠̳̲̩ͅ ͇͓̘͙̯̺̫f̩̘͔̺e͈̳̦̖̣̹̤e̞̞l̹i̞͖̖͕͖͍̯̼n̮̪̳̹g̼̼̣̜̝͎̖̮͈s̠̙̪̺̼̻̙̩̗!”**

  
  


“BECAUSE IT’S NOT MY FEELINGS I’M AFRAID OF!”

…

…

“It’s our dream I’m scared of. The one dream of Esther and I finally getting away from it all, together. I’d get to see her every day, hold her close to me, and maybe feel some goddamn peace in my life for once.”

…

“I lied to her. I told her constantly that I was forced to work so late so much. Truth is, it was all my own decision to stay. I kept spoon feeding her that bullshit about how it was just about making extra money, but I just wanted anything to occupy my time away from thinking about something I’m not worthy of fulfilling.”

…

**"̩̤͓̖̲͈̘̞W̬̞̣̫ẖ̘͕͕̮̜ͅy̞̖̬ ̖͍̮̻͚͎͚ͅd͈o̱̼ ̩͔̭̣y͙̣͔͙̼ͅo̜͎ͅu̪̥̠̙ͅ ͎̠͉̤̤b͓̻̺͉͇̬ḙ̫͈͈̦̟͕l̲̙̪i̭̗͔̳̬̱̳e͈͚̻̯v̻͚e̼̤̣ ̮̜̰̙̺y̥̠̻̠o̦u͖'̖̲͔̭̬͔̘r̠̝̭͕̱͙̟̮e͎̮̝̠̟ ̣͙̙͔͙̹u͈̰̲͓̣n̦̘̼̱w̳͈̝̮͇͕̫o͇̠̯̦͍̘r̜t̳̮̤h̖̰͖̼̗̼̯̼y͈̥̜ ͖̤̥o̬f͉̘ ̙̖̝͚̤̫͙͓̟t̼̖h̹̞i̮͈͚s̜̞̰̦̭̬̤͉?͇̹̝ͅ"͙̬̲̳͖**

 

…

“It’s always been something between us, to escape everything together. Go as far away from here as possible. It’s always been the same way ever since we’ve known each other and we’re no closer to reaching that dream. Just thinking about would give me joy, but now all I feel is anxiety, doubt, and the tremors in fingers. That’s not something I want to feel when I’m with someone I fucking love, I crave, I adore, I just missed so goddamn much. I can’t even tell you how many times these thoughts have plagued me, kept me up past a time any reasonable person should be awake at.”

…

…

“Esther doesn’t need me holding her back from her dream. She doesn’t need my pain right now. She shouldn’t feel responsible for my stupid decisions.”

…

“Ever since I found myself in her bedroom, I stopped being afraid of how I felt about  _ her _ . But after that, I was afraid about how I felt about  _ us _ . We spent years barely in each other’s arms and I managed to dial it up to 11 in one night. It was great in the moment, but who would I become afterward? I wasn’t ready for something like that and now I’m left worrying about whether or not I’ll be a good husband, a good father, and a whole bunch of other shit. I can’t just dump this burden on top of her, not with a mind as fucked as mine!”

 

**"̝͚̱̫̪̜̱̞ͅI͓̙̖̬̼ ̤̦͈͈͙t̖̟̦̗h͓͍i̬n̟̳̟̙ͅk͈̖̥̼̖͍ͅ ͇͍̩̠y͎̩̻o̲̙̠u̻̪̥̘͇̹'̗͉̳͓̟̭͚̙r̙̜͙̮͈̹e̻̱̻̱ ̻̼̟͍b̠̻e̫̣͎̥͍͇̘̮i͓̦͎̫͎̺͍n̥̦̥̮͔͕g̰̥̤͖̩͖ ͓̖̻ͅo͕̹̥v͓̖̺̝̲e̬̫̟͇̳̣͔r̲͕̣͍̜̪̪͉̫d̹̮͉̬̥̤͍̮̼r̟̲͍̪̺a͕̪̞m̞̹a͈͚͍t̟i̥c̼͕̣̫.̖͍͍̟̫"̪̣̣̹͉**

  
  


“Fuck you! I just—god, I just…”

…

…

“No, I’m just so confused about what I want. I thought I knew… god, I really thought I knew what I wanted...”

…

…

…

“I miss Aiden.”

**"̱̫͉̦̪I̮͇͚͚͔͕ ̭̝̺k̘͈̝̭͖n̳͚̺̻ͅo̝̥̻̣̭w̟̝̻̬ ̪̜͉͕͍̤̣̰y̺͉͙o̞̜͈͈̺u̫̞ ̼̯͎̗d̜̼̹̟͕̞͕̼o̭̣͈̘̘̰̱ͅ.͎̻̟̹̥ H̤̭̜͎͕̩e͚̭͚̬ ̣͔̖͈͉̪͍w̘̙̗̺̣a̱̜̬̞͓͍̣̘̝s̘͎̮̜ ̘͉̙̙̣̰̖w̺͚̩̥͇͙̭̺i̗̘t̖̭ͅḥ̪̘͉̞̖ ̠̺y͕̘̯̤o̝̮͇̘̭͈͚̳u̺͔̗ ͕͎̻͔̼̺t̙͖͉̘̗h̖r̖̟o̤̰u̲̻̹͇̪ͅg̜̝̲͔h̹͕͉ ͙̙̖͚̭͇̹̜i͓͍̣̭̤t̼͔̰ ̞̭̼͈̺͇̣a̤̳̘̜͇ͅl̰̜l͎̦͔͈̺.̗͉̹̬̱̗̯̞̯"̗͚̱̼͉̦͈̹**

 

…

…

…

…

“I don’t want Esther to be responsible for my unhappiness. What do I do?”

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

**“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!”**

 

My vision blurred as I stirred in my seat. I looked to my side to see Esther with her arms around my waist, her head buried against my chest. I quickly searched in the rearview mirror for any sign of the star child, but he was nowhere to be found. 

I tried to find any indication of how much time had passed. Looking toward the huge screen, however, a scrolling list of names and roles served to confirm my worst suspicions.

_ Fuck, I slept through the whole date! _

I reached for my phone in the center console which was then filled with various wrappers and cellophane. Knowing that Es couldn’t have eaten all of that junk by herself, my memories clamored on as I fruitlessly tried to backtrack my actions.

With no luck and nothing new coming back to me, I retreated into the folds of my hands, praying that I was just having an Inception moment. No. I was there. I just wasn’t  _ there. _

_ Oh shit…  _ **_shit._ **

Dissociation. It’s never an easy thing to come to terms with, no matter how big or small the lapse. I couldn’t stop thinking it over in my head on the way back how I completely missed mere hours of my life. Hours I could’ve used to tell her how I was  _ really  _ feeling, hours I could’ve had to make things right with us. Did I let myself lose control? Or was it ripped out of my control? I would never know. It was the pain of uncertainty, come back to finally finish me off.

The silent drive back to her house remained unbroken. Pulling into the driveway, I was reminded once more of that fateful night. Everything was supposed to change for us. And it has, whether I like it or not. I think it’s fair to say that I  _ don’t like it _ , but I’m sure we all know that by now. 

I sank back into my seat and did my best to grab any combination of words I could coherently put together. My brain was still stuck in the past, right at the moment of disconnection with reality. There was a small, yet unmistakable black hole in my life now and there was nothing I could do about it. What could I do?

With nothing else left to do, I reached over to wake Esther.

“I’m up,” she said. I jolted at her response, though thankful I wasn’t disturbing her rest. Her back stayed turned to me as she remained curled up in her seat. “At least one of us was awake for the movie.”

She groaned and soon yawned aloud as she rubbed her eyes. They weren’t unlike mine, bloodshot as they stared back in the windshield. We exited the car to perform our usual longstanding farewell, inevitably waiting to do it again months later.

As we approached her door, she sidestepped her stride and turned to hug me. It was unexpected, but I returned the sentiment and wrapped my arms around her. It was then I felt her heartbeat against my chest, the warmness of her body melting me down to my core. All that would be left was my wavering soul, unyielding with unfocused energy. Letting go of her would be the start of another self-imposed exile. I couldn’t bear the thought of my mind punishing me even more. Soon, my eyes grew heavy and wet as I held her tighter.

Esther moved her arms up my back as she heard emotions leak out. “Oh, AJ,” she said, rubbing my back. “It’s all right, I’m here, I’m here.”

 

**"͖̞Y̤o̗̻͇͔u̟͔͇̗ ͈̬d̙̟̺̝͎o̮̳ṋ̺̝̳̞͖'̣ͅt̯̠͚ ͈̣h̪a̦̯̥̫̝v̼e̼̲ ̮̞̤̦̥̫͉t̜̟̥o̼̮͇̪̫̭͔ ͚̩̺̖ͅb̭ḙ̣̼̲͚͉̺͔ ̗a͉̲̙̙̼̟̻f̮̮̮̼ͅr̮̜̪͚̘̼a̠̻͖͈̪̗̳ͅi̼̩͔̯d̩̘̤̹͈̳̺̰͍ ̗̦a̞͖̦n̺͕̰͚y̹̤̺͙̯̥̞̬m̟̳̦̦͈̣o̙̰r̼͓͈̘͖͎e̱͔̫̳̥͇̰.̼̼̣̫̜̙̮"̟̠̠̱ͅ** the star child’s words echoed.

 

“I’m sorry, Es.” I cried.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, love.”

 

**"̝͍̱D͚͓o̹͚̻̖̼̙n͚̜̲̱̺̬̙'̤̪̥̺̣͎̩̘t̘͇̯͙ ̟͙̰̟̠͚̯͎s̫u͎̼͔c̭̩̦̘ͅc̫̭u̪͖͔̲͚̜̼͎m̫̖̭̻̫̣̺̳̮b̻ ̣̳̳̟t͎̤̳̖̟͉̰o͉̜͕͕̥̳ͅ ̥̯̲̹̘̮̖y̖̠̣͎o̪͓̳̼u̫ṟ̲ ̬̬f̤̭̳ͅe͓̗̥̮͎̱͍͓ͅa̤̼̩̹̜͙̟̻r̜͚͇̗̫͙͙s̤͔̖͉̮.̜̩͎ ͖Y͔̙̗̟̥o̱̲̣̳̭u̪̱͍̣͉̜͍̦ ̩̩̝h͕̖͎̲͚͉͍̝a̰͕̗̫̙̫v͇̺̘̙͈͚̰̟e͔͓͈͈͉̰̻̫͈ ͙̮͎̦y̩̫̥͚͇o̗͙͇̦͔̱u͎̯̱r̦̞ ̖̭̗̺̗̱̳̘w̤̲͕̫̭̟͚̲h͎͙̭̥̜͕̣o̫̰͍̖̘l̬̘̠̙̣̳̹e͈͔͔̹͇͈ ̺̱̠̤ͅw͈̘͍o͙̙̥̣̬̙͉͕̤r̜̮l̦̣̘͇͚͉̤͇ḍ̣̪ ͍͚i͉̬̙̜̯̥n̹̟͖͔̜ ̠̫͉f̳̪͖͔͈̰ͅr͕̻̭o̖̪̞̺͔͍̦̩n̝̗̖̻͚͖ț̱̗ ̬̥̟̱̝̭̳o̱̫̪̳̰͔f̰ ̫̥͎̪y͍̫o̫̰̠u̞̜̞͇̖̫̩.͚̱̬̙"̞̟̰̯̺̤̗**

 

I loosened my hold and looked down to my lover. My breath grew short and immense as I pressed my forehead to hers. I leaned into her and met her lips with a soft crash. Her hands moved to my shoulders as my own twined into her hair. Her smooth lips fell open at the brush of my tongue, welcoming me, making me feel just  _ right _ .

Too right…

I…

I can’t…

…

I pulled back from her, stepping back as her eyes met mine with concern and surprise. “I̘̣̣ ̩̺̣c̝a̠͍͖̯͈͚n͈̖'̻̤̣̻t͕͍ d̺̼̙͙o͓̜̞̖̱̞̤ ̺̙͍t̘͕̬h̤i̙̱̟͉̟ͅs͚̯̠,̮̭̳͎͓͎̠ ̠̣͈͚̟͈̝E͖̰̮͖͓̯̠s̲̦̗̗̣.͔̜̘̯̜̜̟"̲̭̥̮͎

 

“AJ, what are you—”

"̘I̩̖̲͔̰͓ ̠̩͔̫͉c̺͔a̮͓n̞̙̥̣̗̩̰'t̬,̳̝ ͕̹̳̝͇I̤̗͉̩'̩m͎ a̫͍̙f̮̩̻̪͚r̦̪̭̮̤a͕̮̱i̫͕͕̝̻̞͚d̫̺̪͍̼̳ ͇͈̝o̯̩f̥̭̟̟̯̺̜ ͙̫̞͙͙̥w̻̣̦̥̣̮ha͚̰̭̟t͕̟̼͙͍ ̘̻̜̺͚̳th̖̖̝͕͖̟i͍̲̺̞s ͇͓w̤̲̰͍̙i͔l̞͎l͕͚̹ d̥̯̯̻̹ͅo͍͖͓ t͚o ͉̦̭us̝̲͈͖̯̫—ṉ͈o,̖̼̳͖̘̖͇ ̟̘̞͍̪̳t͎̗͓̠̭͉ͅo̠̻ me͇̙̱̭̳͔.̭̱̳͍̹"̱̤͙͎̙̱̞

 

She stepped forward and placed her hand on my face, wiping a tear off my cheek. “Shhh, I’m here for you, love.”

"͟Loǫk, ̢I͞ ͡lov̶e̡ ̡yo̴u͜,͏ ҉so ̨fu̷ck̶i̶n͡g҉ ͡muc͢h̵, ̶Es. But͘ I͠ ̸d͡on't wa͠nt ͟yo̕u͘ ̷to ̶feel̴ ̕lik͟e ͝yǫu'͡r̨e a͢ b̨urde҉n ̶be͢cau͡se ̸o̷f m͝y d̸eci͡sion͜s. ̕I ͝w̶a͘nt̵ ̶to̢ ͝kee̕p͠ o̕ur̴ drea̴m aliv͠e҉,̕ but ͢I d͜on̛'̸t͜ t͘hi͝nk ̛I͘'҉m r͏ea҉dy.”

Esther heeded me, looking squarely into my baggy eyes. “Look at me, Aiden. We have our whole lives ahead of us. If you want to take a break, go right ahead. I just want you to be happy, okay? I can tell you’re pretty fucking unhappy with the way things are now, regardless of whose fault it is.”

I wanted to open my mouth, but I felt it unnecessary to repeat what was already said.

“Maybe now isn’t the right time for us. And that’s perfectly okay. If you’re this emotional about it then just take some time to yourself and sort things out.”

She turned and walked to her door. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

"̣̼I̪͉-I̝͙̦͖̫ ̯̘̩̬̫w̮̱͓ͅi̦ll. ̹̰͇͈͉I ̤̫̣͔̯p͕͎r̟͖̣o̩m͖͓ͅi̖͙̲ͅs̩͔̜e͉̦̝̞̥ͅ.̥"̝

 

“Good. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Standing out on your front porch? Odd place to wait.”

Esther couldn’t help but chuckle. Whether it was relief that I was strong to crack jokes or just a moment of fleeting pity, seeing her smile once more made the whole world just a little brighter.

“Hey, Es?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

“Heh. I’ll see you.” She walked inside, shutting the door behind her.

I stood still to process what had just happened. Our roads diverged with no real way of knowing if they will meet again. I thought to turn around and leave, for once not knowing what I would do next.

And so I did, but there he said before me, standing at equal height: the star child.

**"I̭̩̱t͇͉ ͔̫̘̟͉ͅw͍̯͕͈̺͍̩a̱̖͖̰s͓ ̗͙̩a̞ ̜͚̳͈͙h̥͙̩a̪̙r̠͉̩͉͈d̙̰̼͕̗ t̫̻̘͓̞͓ͅh͇̘̼ͅi̥͇̩͎̫̜̲n͉̣̳g͚ͅ ͉y̰͚͚̼͙̬̯o̯͔u̟̙̗͔ ̫͙̼͉ͅh̘̫̦a̯̙̥̘̞͕d̟̬̮̦̘̦ ̥̮̠̫̠̩ͅto ̪d̲͔͎o̼̗̮̺͇ͅ.͕͔̹͚̹ͅ"**

**…**

**"͍̜̞̰Y͕o͈̜̱̲͈̯͔u̯̫̩'̬͉̰̱̫̘̼r͇ḛ̙͈̤̳̥ ̥͇̖͖̜̥s̹̜͖̮̰t̝̤̹i̺̬̲͔̣l͖͕̯̣̟̺̲l̼͓͎̦̞ s̹c̬͎̝͙̫are͍̣̪d̬.͕̫̘̭̮͎̰ ̙̰̙̝B̲̤̙͙̹̹̗u̹̦͓̹t̮͙̗͎͍̭͔ ̞̻̬̼̭̯y͈̫̼̗̮̯o͇u̳̭͈̮ ͈̝̞̭͎̘̣a͉͉͙d̳͚͚m̙͕i̯͔t̞̖̩̩̥̰t͇̯̜e͙̤̤̤͓d͍̭̬ ̞̩ͅit̤ ̪̥͉t͕̤̜̘͔͉̥o͚̮̟̠ ̝͙͍͖̺̰͖he̲̰̩̟͕̫r͙. T̫̲͍̳h̹at'͉͕̳͔s ͇̬͇̮̱̥go̠̲̠̱̻͚o̙d̟͖̳̮̱̠.̱̣̦̻͕͉͉"̰̗̞̘̦̗̮**

**…**

**…**

**"ͅT͔͖͇̝̻h̯̗͖̯̳̻̻i͕͍̻̺s͇͚ ̙̘̠̹͍i̘̻͙̥̪̣͔s̭ ͉̖j̭̠u̹̜̰͙̺s͈t͍̼ ̱͎͉̥͎a͔͇̠ ̥̘͈͓s̜̻͖̳͉̼tu̙͓̟̩͚̪m̯b͙̠͉l̳̣̯͕̳e ̪̙̤ͅi͖̤͕̻͚̜n͖̦̯̣͉ ̻y͍o͔̤͕͙͉̻u͕̗̞͍̖̻r̗̪̤ ̪p̱a͕͚t̮̬h͚.̰̪͍̝̳ ͍͍̙D̼̩͖̳̖̝o͍̰n͎̯̭̣'ț ̞̩̳̳̩͍ḇ̯̱͙͔̜͕e̯̳̩ ̻̞̙̣͍a̰̠̳͓̻̗f̹͔r͚̪̘̺a̙̰i̥̮d̠̻̯̺̱ͅ t̹o ͙a̪̼̯͓̻̦̖s̱̯̝̗k f̮̯͎̱͕o̱̠r̳̘̹̠ ̩h̦̭elp̰̞̳̦͕͓,͙̞̠͎ ͉A̞J.̘"**

**…**

**"̘̰̩ͅY͖̩̞o̳̜̭͎̘̙u̳̳̟̰̦͇r͖̫̳̤̪̳ ̲̳̩̖̭̩͙d̩̯͕re̝̞̼̱̬a͓̠m͙͙̲s ̖w̬͉̠i͉̫l͉̠͔̻̺̱l̰̹ ͉n̞ͅe̩ve͍̳̭r̥͓̩̞̬ͅ ̼͔͈̞ḽ̮̥e̱̼͙av̦̝e̗̖̰̤̭.̲̠͉ ̞͍̱̞͓̦͎G̰͙o͖ f̤̗̦̥̮̺͓o̥̱r͍w̯̰̜a̮̞̙̟̬r̻͇̭̯̘d͖̫͈͍̦ͅͅ ̯a̻̪̤̥̝͙̞n̩̲̼̜̳ḏ̘̥ ̫͕̮g͈͕̘̝͕r̬͙̰̗͇o͖̲̭͓͈w̗̹ ̰̦̥͕̯̬s͈̥̬̰̮̦͚t̫͎r̮̞̘̹̯͖̟o̤̲̻͈̥̱n̟g͈̼̥̘e̗̲r̭̼͙̼͇.̹̟̼"̗̬̫͕**

**…**

The star child began to fade into the moonlight. One particle become two, became four, became eight, became one with the wind. His essence glowed azure as he evaporated further.

**"D̤̤̤o̹̹̼̘n̘͍'t̹̤̞̯ ̳̻̤͇͔̯̮f̮͙u̺̦͖̰̲c̥̯̖̬͔̯k̘͇̼̭͎ ̖̺t̳̮̤̺̗̣h̺̳i̖̭̰̮̤s ̙̞̖̩̮u̘̦͎̰̰p̫̗̖̫͉ ̗̯͇̙̜̺̺a̹͇̼̰̝̞̤ga̩͙̻̫̟i͉̖͇̟̤n̫.̥̟͇"͙̬̱**

 

His words echoed down to his last piece of dark matter. And there I was left standing, ambiguous about how to feel and uncertain of what to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it's been a long time coming. I finally finished this after almost 5 months and I can s l e e p now. If you any questions, comments, or reviews to leave, I will be sure to answer them accordingly and they will really help me out once I continue my other projects. Thanks for reading!


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